Next!

And so I have arrived at a conclusion: relationships come and go. They are to be enjoyed first and suffered later. To fully immerse oneself in the experience, revel in it to its fullest and wallow in the mourning that follows its demise.

Let me count the mad mad crushes of my life.

1. TP was my first heartbreak. I cried my eyes out when he chose the girl sitting next to me in class. Years later, I heard that they've gone their separate ways and married other people.
2. SMW the good-looking one. He was so pleasant to me in class and I have always been on friendly terms with him. We were more like buddies... but I admired him for his deep bass voice and cool floppy hair. In my little girl's heart, I wanted to marry him one day.
3. LAR ooooh so cute. Chased him around the lake wanting to take a photograph with him. When he moved away I was seriously saddened. Yeah... that crush lasted for a good few years. Wrote to him often and waited with abated breath for news from him. I wonder where he is now? There were no email and Facebook at that time okay.
4. KH was tall with broad shoulders. If it weren't for my dad's strict rule of no-dating we would have been a couple. Then I left town for further studies and the feelings faded away. Latest news is he just got engaged. Good luck to him.
5. UMG was just a few years older. People used to tease us that we were an item which was fine by me. And then I was the last to find out that he ALREADY had a gf and he probably looked after me like he would a little sister. Heartbroken again.
6. AL was my the first serious relationship. Dated him for 7 long years. Married him in the end. Have not laid eyes on him since one year ago by choice. *shrugs*
7. SHRNK was my first contact with an older guy (way way older). After him, i was no longer interested in men my own age or or in the same decade for that matter.
8. AXC the rich business man. "Dear" here "dear" there. Women throw themselves at him like lemmings jumping off the cliff. I stubbornly refuse to join them and choose to poke fun and annoy him as best as I can. Counter-productive? Perhaps.
9. AR woot.... devastatingly handsome. I'd love to baby him but he's married. Awww....
10. KWY charmed the shoes off me. Sensitive and accomodating. Made me laugh. Married also. Boohoohoo.
11. BGRD was a gentle doting soul. Could have become serious but he reminded me too much of my past with the husband.
12. CA was one damned horny fella. I turned psycho on him and hoped that it's enough to scare him off. I think we're still friends.

Did I miss anybody else? Am tired of meeting new people and dating already. Want companionship without complications, affections without strings attached. Preferably someone who worships the ground I walk on and obeys everything I say. No wait. I don't have to say anything coz he will be able to anticipate my every wants and needs. I am not hard to please!

Oh... get a dog you say?

No thank you.

Do You Want Me?

Do I want you? Of course I do. But how much am I allowed to want?

I was harsh and critical and you took it silently, always understanding and empathetic. You knew that it was my way of finding words and forming sentences to the stories I never told. Though crude and cruel, I found my voice because you listened. You defended me when you felt I was wronged, you rejoiced with me when I got my new job.

I can't even begin to say I'm sorry how things turned out. I should have been kinder, gentler and caring towards you instead being self-absorded in my own life I neglected to see that you had your own sets of problems to deal with too.

I want to tell you I'm so sorry.... but what's the purpose anyway?

Kutucat Does the Christmas Jiggle

Little Drummer Boy (1996) - Bob Seger



Last Christmas - Ashely Tisdale

Wait girl, wait!

What is one suppose to feel when receiving your salary?

Elation?

Pride?

Me... I almost cried. Alright. I cried. Not "cried" lah... just dripped some sweat from my eyes. Not out of joy but sheer disappointment.

Holding the piece of paper in my hand and seeing the numbers in black and white right down the the exact sen, my first thought was: wft. My pay is so little.

It's not enough!!!! I can do better than this oi!

But then I try to remember that I am here to gain experience, to add strength to my resume and improve marketability. I try to remember that I am putting in the effort for the long run and I just have to be patient for the months to past before I can reap the benefits.

I remind myself that itches can be endured with self-discipline and perservering restraint

and when I finally get to scratch it, it will feel sooooo good....

my eyeballs will roll.

Day Off for Housemen

A big applause for Health Minister Datuk Liow Tiong Lai for showing his support for the betterment on the long standing suffering of housemen nation-wide.


In today's The Star:

KUALA TERENGGANU: Trainee doctors will now get a day off after carrying out their 24-hour on-call duty.

Health Minister Datuk Liow Tiong Lai said the directive will take effect immediately.
He said it applies only to housemen on active call and at the hospital the entire time.
“We will not let these trainee doctors be overworked. We will look into their welfare,” he told reporters yesterday after visiting the Sultanah Nur Zahirah Hospital.

Liow was asked to comment on grouses from trainee doctors that they sometimes had to work almost 24 hours and then report to their superiors the next day.

Trainee doctors complained that they had to work seven days a week without a single rest day during their two-year stint in government hospitals as housemen.

Liow said trainee doctors should also be allowed to concentrate on getting the right exposure and medical proficiency by giving them off-days.

A trainee doctor at Sultanah Nur Zahirah Hospital, who only wanted to be known as Sally, said she was relieved to hear that the ministry would look into their welfare.

“Frankly, we are very exhausted as we have to focus on our training and also carry out clinical rounds frequently,” she said. “It is stressful.”

Sally said she and her colleagues were unable to pay attention during their stints due to fatigue and time constraints.

Now let's see how feasible it is to implemented this directive given the extreme shortage of doctors. It's an interesting turn of events and I wonder how the hospital administrators will work their way around with the lack of human resources.

Kutucat is Itchy

Oh... I haven't really been practicing my photography skills for a long time! When was the last time I posted pics?

I have an itch to buy a DSLR again...

Those who have been following this blog knows goodness how many times I have brought this up. Enough!!! I'm finally going to buy one and be done with it!

Canon or Sony?

Both are less than RM2000 now. I believe I can get an even cheaper price from Singapore.

Yah. Paycheck coming. *ready and poised to scratch itch*

All I Want for Christmas

Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas Is You

Little Luxuries of Corporate Life

Got Milo in the pantry leh~ Up to you so take how as many scoops and make as many cups you want everyday. It's bottomless! Plus there are huge jars of coffee powder, creamer and sugar which magically fill to the brim each morning. All you have to do is bring your own cup and spoon. In the cold air-conditioned room, it's a pleasure to sit and sip on a steaming cup of cocoa. I may be a melancholic creature but hey... I'm easy to please. :)

"I'm Finished With Therapy!"

Excerpt from Grey's Anatomy Season 5 Episode 3.

Meredith, you're not finished. You have worked incredibly hard. Look at how far you've come but you're just scratching the surface.

I'm happy!

You're not done.

I am happy. Isn't that the point?

No. I need you to stay for this session.

No... *flustered* (Proceeds to excuse herself and leaves the room)

Later in the lift...

What was the point?

All those hours and all that money. What's the point? The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that's such a horrible place.

Yes.

*stunned* What?

Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all that, that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings - that's the point.

And you're not done. You've made progress because you are feeling and telling me about it. Six months ago it would have been just you and a bottle of tequila. My door is always open.

I think I get it now.

Remorse

Angry words... once spoken cannot be taken back.

:*(

Pee

Came back to find Kutucat covered with urine. She either had a mishap at the litter box or an episode of incontinence. The poor thing was miserable... trying to clean herself up by licking her fur again and again to no avail. The pungent stench of ammonia hit the nostrils. Grabbing her forcefully for she had a distain for the sink and water, I gave her thick fur a quick rinse under the faucet. Once. Twice. Still there was a faint lingering scent. Soaking wet from her flanks down she scrambled away with her ears flat against her head growling her displeasure, refusing a towel or aid in any kind and prefering to stay wet with a pained expression on her face. I can only leave her alone until tomorrow for a thorough bath and hope that the weather will be a bit warmer so she will not catch a chill.

My Greatest Fear

At the back of my throat, I am trying to swallow a bitter piece of coal because I know what I am and I don't like what I see.

I am a go-getter but I am also a quitter.

I am independent but am desperately needy also.

I am passionate but have a cold exterior.

I am full of life but I hate life itself.

I prefer solitude but I find myself fighting loneliness.

I want love but I exude anger and hate.

I know myself but I can't help myself out of this... this self-absorbed person I do not want and cannot accept. My greatest fear is a relapse - that I will return to that dark hole and never crawl out again.

Will someone please hold my hand?

Sabotage

Today

again I wonder,

why am I built this way?

No Thank You.

When I get bored of the brainless, repetitive menial clerical work of a desk job... I think of a little pink book. The Obstetrics and Gynaecology housemanship training log book.

Compulsory cases:
1. Normal delivery
2. Vaginal examination
3. Episiotomy and perineal tear repair
4. Management of obstetrics haemorrhage
5. Management of retained placenta
6. Resuscitation of newborn

Etc etc

One page each. There are 49 pages of (x8)cases to be filled and signed for the record. Yah. (Off the record the number is infinite and limited to the labour room turnover time).

This is a video of an episiotomy and perineal repair.
Warning: Not suitable for office viewing.



When performing the episiotomy, the pain caused by labour is (supposed to be) greater than the the pain caused by the blades of the scissors. The purpose of an episiotomy is to enlarge the exit for easier delivery of the baby's head and to avoid uncontrolled tearing of skin and muscles of the perineum (area of the genitalia to anus) otherwise. Suturing is then used to close the wound and stop the bleeding. The patency of the anus lastly checked via digital examination. The poking is NOT for fun and as you can see from the patient's startled response, is hardly pleasant.

If you think the video is bad, wait till you see the patient wince and whimper when the needle pierces through the skin. Mothers have told me stories of how they can feel the pull the flesh by the long thread despite local anesthesia. And how many stitches would you think one needs to close up the tear? Usually, when I start to miss the hospital all I have to do is recall this and then I would remember to count my blessings.

To my fellow peers out there who would have all finished O&G by now, congratulations to you! You've made it through the bloodiest posting! Just don't get retained in this department against your will okay *grimace*

Doctors With Mental Problems

Sick doctors.

Neurotic and psychotic doctors.

Oh thanks, so we have come down to name-calling now have we?

There are two issues to address here.

(1) The stigma of mental disorders

(2) Dangerous healthcare

I doubt that the general public give two sens about the mentally-ill under normal circumstances. 1 in 4 people are afflicted with mental illness at some point of their life, the effects equally devastating and fatal as other chronic diseases such as heart disease, stroke or kidney failure. Neither has there been much attention to the unsatisfactory working conditions of medical personnel in Malaysia that is clearly in violation of labour laws and common sense.

Put "crazy" and "doctor" together and we finally have some show of concern. I think it is a beautiful combination that will finally make people sit up and pay attention. The image of a sleep-deprived, distracted, emotionally unstable and rabid surgeon yielding a scalpel should be excellent motivation for public furor to exert pressure on the governing bodies for positive change.

Cat Lover

Stray cat
Follow me home
Feed you
Pet you
Shower you with affection.

Stray cat
Here one day
Gone the other
Thought you're dead
Knocked by a car
Or something like that.

Stray cat
Just when I have given up
Then suddenly you show up
Purring for milk
Make my heart melt
You so poor thing.

Stray cat
Don't look at me like that
You ungrateful cat
Somemore curl your tail around my leg
Ai haiii how to resist?
Of course I forgive you.

You're a stray cat wat
What else to expect
Self-centered and free-spirited
Good to find but hard to keep
That's why I love cats.

Would You Rather Be an Optimist or a Pessimist?

Just because people say you should think positive doesn't mean that it is the only way to go in life. While the virtues of optimism is exalted to no end, I want to highlight something in a different perspective.

There are many strenghts in a pessimist.

Pessimists think the worst of all circumstances. They dwell on the past, mope about the present and worry about the future. While it may sound like a terrible way to live, reflecting on past history gives rise to pattern learning and insight. An unfortunate event will bring great woe to a pessimist, but it's impact is so great that it will be a strong lesson that will be deeply imprinted (or scarred) in his being for a long time. Worrying about what may come enables him to map out every possible combination of possible scenarios... In his world, anything and everything that will go wrong WILL happen. Let's call it foresight. Or an "acute sense of impending doom". Not only will he gather resources in preparation of Failure, he will have Plan B, C, D and E all lined up to fall back on. That's called creating reserves. Think of the fable of the ant and the grasshopper.

In fact, I believe that pessimists will outlive optimists simply because every little ailment would be viewed as a possible disaster and they would seek medical attention immediately. An important aspect of healthcare is preventive medicine - fear is a powerful behavioural tool to motivate one to look after his body through a disciplined regime of weight watching, diet control, consistent exercise and abstinence from vice. There is no room for risk-taking. Danger is minimised, if not avoided at all cost. Pessimists do not flirt with danger. The only downside of being a pessimist is that your days just ain't that that much fun when you are hypervigilant and sleep is lousy because the nights are filled with plotting and strategizing for every little thing.

So which would you like to be, a Pessimist or an Optimist? I choose to be an optimistic pessimist.

Fighting the Jam

Have resorted to packing my make-up kit to bring to the office. Foundation, eye shadow, blusher, mascara, lipstick... the whole works. Not for touch-ups post-lunch but for the sake of getting that 15-minute headstart to beat the morning jam. So I eat my breakfast at traffic lights and powder up in the parking lot. It's a huge difference! If I leave at 7.15am it only takes me 15 minutes on the road but if I get out at 7.30am I spend one hour stuck in traffic. Have also discovered that no matter what time it is, there is a lumbering bus which travels the same route I go stopping every now and then to pick up/drop off passengers. Of course I'd like to overtake it but it is written in the Law of the Universe that there will inevitably be another one ahead of me just 10 meters down the next lane. Read the fine print and it also states that the new encounter will be moving even slower than the previous one. =_=

Cannot win... so Kutucat will just endure it and crawl along until the turnoff to the office building. I even had time to trim my nails in the car. Serious.

In the Process of Adapting

Am trying to get a "feel" of my new environment. My friend advised me to keep a low profile for the first few weeks and observe the office dynamics. Sound advice, I think... except with a name like mine it's hard to fly below the radar.

Also realized that I have a habit of being blunt when talking. I think strangers are not used to the way I speak. Am starting to learn to be sensitive of the words that come out of my mouth. Those of you who know Kutucat will nod their heads when "loud and noisy" are the words to describe her. I prefer to give a hearty bellow *WAAAHAHAHAR* instead of a ladylike giggle *tee hee hee*

Am exercising restraint of my usual acerbic retorts and one-line comebacks. Must look serious. Sit up straight. Comb hair brush teeh and wash face. Got a professional image to uphold now mah.... chehweh~

Who Moved My Cupcake?

Kutucat has been dreaming of her cupcakes since after lunch. But unlike when bumming at home, one cannot lounge on the chair and munch on pastries whenever one likes, seeing that the environment is an office and people around one are working their arse off. So Kutucat kept her fantasies in her head and patiently waited to clock out, fight the jam, take a shower, eat dinner and FINALLY pull out the cupcake from the fridge for an eye-rolling bite.

Ahhh... The most satisfying highlight on the first day of my new job. ;)