The Confidant

"Do you love him?" he demanded.

Startled, I shrugged and lowered my eyes.

"What is love????" I murmured. Very clever.... answering a question with a question.

I think I know. Or perhaps I really don't know. The feeling is easy experience, but hard to put into words. Love is... (no, it's not the fruits in Galations)... love is, transient. Delusional. It is affirmation and denial at the same time. It's all your life's hopes zeroed onto one person. The excitement of dreams coming true.

I thought I knew what love was. Was VERY sure of it, in fact. The brain was in sync with the heart. So sure I was willing to bet my whole future on it, fight for it because I BELIEVED. How wrong I was. Was that love? Was that love? If it wasn't love, what was it? It it was, how come I'm sitting here right now questioning the present?

So I've come to the conclusion. True love does not exist. It's all about perception. It's subjective. Love is... the feeling of goodness you have towards someone, until it fades away and turns into rejection. Tell me, is love suppose to taste sour after a while? If that is the norm.... why do we seek it so?

Is This It?

I am rotting in the office. I wanna go back, yet how could I when it has taken so much from me? I do not want to commit my life, even though a tiny ember still keeps the fire alive. I dare not! I fear it! It will consume me whole! And yet, it gave me so much joy, it made me feel so alive. I was something, now I am nothing. I need a purpose!! But I want to be selfish too. It's me against them. I'm fighting for me, and yet... why I am not happy? A waste, that's what it was. I'm so so sorry.

Kutucat Makes Pavlova

RM15 from Alexis

After I discovered this wonderful piece of creation called Pavlova from Alexis Bistro, my silhouette has never been the same again. It's fluffy, it's creamy, it's tangy. The cake, I mean. Rolled around the tongue, I could just pass out from pure ecstasy.

My homemade version.

Determined not to be deprived, I set about making my own berry meringue.

Recipe:

1. 4 egg whites. Separate yolk from egg white when eggs are chilled. It is easier done like that. I like to roll it in my palms to extract the very last drop of egg white. Before whisking, allow egg whites to warm to room temperature.

2. 130g Icing sugar (or generally 55g sugar for one egg white. I've cut down the amount of sugar by trial and error according to taste so you might want to experiment as you go along).

3. Preheat oven at 140-190 degrees Celsius.

4. In the meantime, whisk egg whites in clean bowl with clean beater (I cannot stress how important it is that everything is washed and free from oil). Apparently, the meringue will fail if a little bit of yolk and oil contaminates the egg whites. In a few seconds, you will see clear liquid turn white and foamy. Continue and you will see it gradually become creamy, then glossy. Add sugar at intervals as you whisk. This process helps in forming stiff peaks. You know when it's done when you perform the "up-side-down" test, ie the meringue will not fall when you hold the bowl over your head.

5. Spread dollop of meringue on a piece of baking paper and bake on oven rack. Check on meringue every now and then to control temperature. Lower heat when cracks start to form. Too hot, and you will have a burnt crust. If it's overdone, your sugar will start to turn watery and "leak".

The ideal meringue is an evenly golden crust with firm center, but soft marshmallow texture on the inside. NEVER EVER open oven door or your product will collapse. After an hour or so of slow baking, switch off oven and let cool. You may leave the door slightly ajar at this stage.

6. To make whip cream, chill bowl, beater and carton. Whisk whipping cream medium speed. Add vanilla essence if desired, chocolate or coffee can also do. Again, there is an exact science... or art in making the perfect whip cream (which I have yet to master). Apparently, it curdles if whisked too long. Mine was watery. I dare not go further coz the last time I did, it turned into clumps.

7. Slice strawberries and kiwi fruit. I added gooseberries. Blueberries, peaches, raspberries are also choice fruits for topping. The biting and sour taste goes well with the meringue and cream.

Note: Have read that Pavlova does not keep well for long hours, hence it is advisable to assemble cream and fruit onto meringue when about to serve. I have not tried keeping it, coz it was all gobbled up by the family within half hour of completion.

Something Happy for a Change

So adorable! I am going to try this on Kutucat right after this!!!

Living in the Moment

Perhaps, the best thing to do is be happy with what one has.

However little it is, it has worked for me thus far and will be enough for me for today.

Hopelessness

I feel...

trapped.

4th Year Wedding Anniversary

It was the 21st of May 2005.

Four years later, Tomorrow

will also be the third and final hearing by the Tribunal.

For 7 long months I have waited. The answer will be granted at last.

Please.... let me petition for freedom.

What's the Matter, Girl?

Look so sad. Something wrong?

Missing someone?
It's okay girl... I sayang you.

Sentiment

The thought of going back to work on Monday makes me feel like vomiting blood.

If you're thinking that I am a rather disturbed individual, well... I'm not. I just express myself very VERY well.

Found my phone.

Wasn't in my office. So during lunch time, I contemplated whether to get a new phone, then decided to go look in my car one last time. And sure enough, at the passenger side wedged between the seat and door there it was. Was greatly relieved actually... there is lot's of sentimental value (or rather sms-es) even if it is an ugly old phone.

Mobile Phone Psychoanalysis

I think subconciously I am ashamed of my phone and am hoping to lose it one way or the other... coz today I left it in the office again and I will not be returning to the place until the day after. Thing is I can't remember if I left it on the table or locked in the drawer. Half of me hopes that someone steals it. The other half doesn't want to lose all the contact numbers in the Sim card. I can survive without a phone, no problem. Will be mildly inconvenienced that's all.

Every where I go, I see sleek shiny phones in the hands of the lowest clerk to the big boss sitting in his swanky office. Even the tea lady carries a nicer phone than I do. When I meet vendors and staff, am embarrassed that mine is so old and chunky. It's functional and durable but damn ugly. Yeah yeah... I have an inferiority complex about my mobile phone too. Don't see a point in buying a new one though coz it will be underutilized.

What I Don't Have

is just one thing but very glaring. I just overheard a phone conversation between a couple today. Very playful, very into each other.

It made me bow my head and cry.

I left my phone in the office today. Not that anybody's gonna call me no chance it will be stolen such an old model it is. I'm more worried about missing the alarm when it's time to get up for work tomorrow morning.

What's the meaning of all these anyway? Am not a loving wife. Am not a cutthroat bitch. Am not corporate savvy. Not thrilled to rescue the world from suffering either. Gainful employment doesn't solve everything. On the contrary, unemployment was the best thing that has happened so far but that is not sustainable for the rest of my life.

Life.

Have tried it thus far. Not my cup of tea.

Heat

What's with the weather? Even the cat knows how to ask to sleep in my air-conditioned room. Very pitiful wailing going on outside my door. I got no peace until I let her in.

Kutucat is Damn Bored

Have short attention span. Something new gets me all fired up with intense passion. Am excited about exploring the path less trodden and making new discoveries at every turn of the corner.

It also means that once I've finished checking out the new stuff, it becomes old stuff. And old stuff, Kutucat is not interested in *yawns and looks the other way*.

Happened to check out my deirdre in the mirror this morning and had 2 surprises. One - my hips are fatter, width has expanded substantially. Good thing is there are no more stretch marks (I used to be chubby in primary school and then I had a suddenly loss of weight). S0... to lose wrinkles, fill them out! Speaking of which, am contemplating when to get a nose job.... the injectable fillers type, not surgical reconstruction. I wonder how much that would cost? Would be nice to get a nice strong bridge instead of a clump of a nose.

Fyi, plastic means repair. Plastic surgery means reparative surgery. It doesn't mean that plastic polymers are used. I think, I would be open to the occasional face lifts, cheek implant and er, asset enhancements. A sign of insecure self body image? Probably. But I'd like to do it coz IT CAN BE DONE.

Gawd I'm bored.

Your Career is Your Own Responsibility

A recent phone call from an old friend made me realize how negative I've been lately.... and to nobody's benefit except to my rising blood pressure. Somehow or the other, I've been carrying around an increasing resentment that I've been shortchanged, the restlessness triggered by flamers who can hardly be considered to be without prejudice as they have personal gain in my dissonance.

I think an open discussion with the powers-that-be is becoming inevitable current situation has been eating my insides for a long time. What to do when you gather feedback regarding your situation? Stop, review, then decide to change or ignore. I've decided instead of fuming in silence, I am going to do something about it. Been using a good portion of the day trying to dissipate the attitude of entitlement so that it will not be brought to the table of negotiation. A personal undertaking to see if I can do right in soft skills.

No More Problems with BO

Have you ever experienced this, the feeling of grubbiness and the wafting of a sharp stench in the office or classroom, horrifyingly discovering that the source of the funky smells is yourself... or your underarms, to be precise. That no matter how you try to cover up with a coat or hold your arms close to your sides there is no way to make it go away? Or how OTHER people seemed oblivious that they stink (believe me, they do know it's just that the tolerance level is much higher since they live with it day in day out).

The first time I was really confronted about the issue of body odour (mine) was when a girl came up to me and suggested that I could use a deodorant. It was embarrassing... and I was already using a something (which didn't work, obviously).

Perhaps it was the kindest thing she did for me, to tell me up-front that it was a problem hence curtailing other more embarrassing events in the future. But mind you, the quest in search of the perfect deodorant was a long and costly journey which lasted a good 10 years. Until technology finally caught up and invented biological warfare against the evil micro-organisms causing smelly distress in the folds of the pits. Apparently, it it is effective against fungal colonies too.

Where chemical deodorants largely work by masking body odours with fragrances and inhibiting sweat, Once A Week Deodorant goes right to the root of the problem. For the uninitiated, I have written about it before here asking for information where to purchase this product in Malaysia. Well, good news - Once a Week is now available at selected pharmacies in the Klang Valley! At a reasonable price too!

First, let's do some simple cost assessment:

One packet = RM8.90

Compared to S$3.90 at a conversion rate of 2.4 that's RM9.36.

Each packet contains 3 sachets. One sachet = RM2.97.

1 sachet contains 1 wipe. 1 wipe can be used for 2 armpits... its antideodorant effect lasts for a week. In my experience, during the initial stage I needed to rewipe after about 5-7 days. After a couple of months the intervals gradually became longer and I now only need to use one wipe in 10-14 days. So I go through a packet a month. It's good investment, considering I no longer have over-powering BO thanks to Once a Week.

A note of caution though, this product is best used where and when the sun-don't-shine. Staining and discoloration have been attributed to sunlight. And at RM2.97 (okay let's round it up to RM3) a piece which is disposed of after use, I don't "gently pat". Hell I scrub the surface area of my underarm thoroughly and make sure I use the entire wipe to its very last drop of moisture. It's all about the application method to gain its fullest benefit. Once a Week does not stop sweat, so it would also be a good idea for people with hyperhydrosis to use antiperspirants on top of this product.

Check out this website for locations to purchase Once A Week.

I Is Not Sweet After All!

Engines idling, I was at the a T-junction as the traffic light was red. A Big Four Wheel Drive pulled up behind me, rumbling and too close for comfort. As soon as the lights turned green, the Big Four Wheel Drive blasted its horns in impatience, just as I was pulling away from him. In a huff, I retaliated with a left fist in the rear view mirror with a well-manicured little bird sticking out. I is already in a foul mood from work... lagi have to take sh*te from you? The Big Four Wheel Drive let off the gas pedal and stayed a safe distance from me. I thought you were in a big hurry?? I let you overtake me but you don't want to???? If looks could kill, I would have blasted his carriage off the road with laser stares.

To my surprise, it was not some young punk but an uncle with thinning hair behind the wheel and fastidiously avoiding eye contact. Turns out he lives in the same apartment so he had to trail behind me until the carpark. I would have gotten down to have a word with him, except he took a sharp right and disappeared. I swear to you, just because you drive a big car doesn't mean you can bully females in little Kancils on the road OKAY!!!!