What I needed was a good wake up call. A reminder that I need to take a few steps back and focus on myself. That I have slacked in reinforcing the boundaries between me and the rest of the world. That no external forces should should turn me this way and that, because I am my own self and am purely in charge of my wellbeing. As such, I have no time for other things. Although important part of my dream, it will have to be put on hold for the moment because there is just no place and no time for that in my life right now.
Until the needful is done.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Need More Room!
I need SPACE!
Seems like I am accumulating more earthly possessions... To my right, is a mobile clothes rack I like to hang my working clothes. It's convenient to roll it in and out of the room to where the ironing stuff are. On the base of the clothes rack is a basket of laundry. Because there is simply no floor space. Behind the clothes rack is the cupboard in which I keep the rest of my clothes. I probably wear like 1% of the entire wardrobe because I tend to have favourite pieces which I wear till they get eaten up by the washing machine.
Where I am sitting, is a 2m long workstation. One third of which sits the computer (damn huge CTV monitor) and the cpu. The keyboard sits on a nifty pullout under the table. Further left sits a half length mirror from Ikea. On my right is a jumble of containers, books, knick-knacks and things I dump onto any clear surface when I get home from work.
At my feet lies the company's laptop bag. Lying on the floor at the other side of my feet is one of my many handbags. To my far left, sits a three-tier book shelf containing thick volumes of medical books. Oh, I spy with my eye a box of leftover Godiva truffes, a file, a hairbrush and a pair of sky-blue bra. *reaches out and flings female item into laundry basket*
Did I mention the scarves, tubes of creams, bottles of lotion and shopping bags I have scattered in my near vicinity? God forbid you look up, coz on the wall shelf is a hundred and one lotions, nail polish, and random cosmetic samples I have never used (and probably won't in the near future). Oh and then there's my jewellery box where I keep the glittery stuff. And the couple of paintings leaning carelessly against the wall.
Behind me is my super-standard divan, blanket folded but pillows strewn everywhere. A good bed which has followed me from PJ to Seremban and back to PJ and then KL. 2 empty shoe boxes still in pristine glossy paper bags have claimed a permanent space at the foot of my bed. Talking about the divan, under it I shalt not peek but I can guess that there should be a dozen or so paper balls belonging to Kutucat.
Bits and pieces of paper, like business cards and receipts I keep out of sight in the drawers. That at least is in "order"!
Seems like I am accumulating more earthly possessions... To my right, is a mobile clothes rack I like to hang my working clothes. It's convenient to roll it in and out of the room to where the ironing stuff are. On the base of the clothes rack is a basket of laundry. Because there is simply no floor space. Behind the clothes rack is the cupboard in which I keep the rest of my clothes. I probably wear like 1% of the entire wardrobe because I tend to have favourite pieces which I wear till they get eaten up by the washing machine.
Where I am sitting, is a 2m long workstation. One third of which sits the computer (damn huge CTV monitor) and the cpu. The keyboard sits on a nifty pullout under the table. Further left sits a half length mirror from Ikea. On my right is a jumble of containers, books, knick-knacks and things I dump onto any clear surface when I get home from work.
At my feet lies the company's laptop bag. Lying on the floor at the other side of my feet is one of my many handbags. To my far left, sits a three-tier book shelf containing thick volumes of medical books. Oh, I spy with my eye a box of leftover Godiva truffes, a file, a hairbrush and a pair of sky-blue bra. *reaches out and flings female item into laundry basket*
Did I mention the scarves, tubes of creams, bottles of lotion and shopping bags I have scattered in my near vicinity? God forbid you look up, coz on the wall shelf is a hundred and one lotions, nail polish, and random cosmetic samples I have never used (and probably won't in the near future). Oh and then there's my jewellery box where I keep the glittery stuff. And the couple of paintings leaning carelessly against the wall.
Behind me is my super-standard divan, blanket folded but pillows strewn everywhere. A good bed which has followed me from PJ to Seremban and back to PJ and then KL. 2 empty shoe boxes still in pristine glossy paper bags have claimed a permanent space at the foot of my bed. Talking about the divan, under it I shalt not peek but I can guess that there should be a dozen or so paper balls belonging to Kutucat.
Bits and pieces of paper, like business cards and receipts I keep out of sight in the drawers. That at least is in "order"!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I wonder...
How many times does one fall in love in a lifetime?
And if you can fall in love many times over, how is it that we don't marry everyone that we love?
Is it not sad, not to be with the one we loved? Is it just a passing fancy, that staying together is all about timing, and not necessarily about choice?
Excuse me. Am in that kind of mood tonight.
And if you can fall in love many times over, how is it that we don't marry everyone that we love?
Is it not sad, not to be with the one we loved? Is it just a passing fancy, that staying together is all about timing, and not necessarily about choice?
Excuse me. Am in that kind of mood tonight.
Bloated
Been up to my nose with food food and more food.
Tried NOT eating lunch yesterday, rationale being I had tea at 11am. Much good it did me... by 3pm I was having a hypoglycemic attack. Ended up eating more than I should.
You know, to compensate.
Body's not so invincible anymore. Lethargic after a few late nights. Sluggish after so much feasting. And what's this low-grade fever most of the mornings when I wake up???
Tried NOT eating lunch yesterday, rationale being I had tea at 11am. Much good it did me... by 3pm I was having a hypoglycemic attack. Ended up eating more than I should.
You know, to compensate.
Body's not so invincible anymore. Lethargic after a few late nights. Sluggish after so much feasting. And what's this low-grade fever most of the mornings when I wake up???
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Dissociation
At the train station... a sense of deja vu.
Am early because I was afraid he'd be displease if I wasn't there to welcome him the moment he arrived.
Sitting there. Waiting. Patiently. Trying to while away time by checking out the surroundings, the people, and the ads playing on a tv hanging on the wall.
Minutes inch by. Every fibre of my body screaming in silence not to be transported back in time. The familiarity of it all. I used to do this... this commuting relationship. Weekends reserved for bus terminals, train stations and airports. I thought I was done with that period of time. Why do I find myself in the same circumstance again? MUST I do this again????
I believe, patterns repeat themselves until we do it right.
Am early because I was afraid he'd be displease if I wasn't there to welcome him the moment he arrived.
Sitting there. Waiting. Patiently. Trying to while away time by checking out the surroundings, the people, and the ads playing on a tv hanging on the wall.
Minutes inch by. Every fibre of my body screaming in silence not to be transported back in time. The familiarity of it all. I used to do this... this commuting relationship. Weekends reserved for bus terminals, train stations and airports. I thought I was done with that period of time. Why do I find myself in the same circumstance again? MUST I do this again????
I believe, patterns repeat themselves until we do it right.
Not Enough
One two three four five...
It's not enough. Five rounds short till I get another.
Am worried.
Already feeling the effects of rationing.
It's not enough. Five rounds short till I get another.
Am worried.
Already feeling the effects of rationing.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Boredom
Sitting at home on a Saturday night, having caught up with a week's debt of sleep, done some leisurely surfing and watched some TV, am now feeling bored and considering taking out some office work to do.
You know, to pass time.
On a Saturday night.
Tis a time when I wished I was dating again, got someone to hangout with, pick a quarrel or two and then make-up after that.
Yes, I am THAT free.
You know, to pass time.
On a Saturday night.
Tis a time when I wished I was dating again, got someone to hangout with, pick a quarrel or two and then make-up after that.
Yes, I am THAT free.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Again
Please girl, please go to sleep. You have a lot to do tomorrow.
Knock me unconcious, blessed friend.
Relief. I feel its opposite ebbing away.
As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I know that slumber will follow soon.
Knock me unconcious, blessed friend.
Relief. I feel its opposite ebbing away.
As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I know that slumber will follow soon.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Kutucat in Istanbul
Went on a business trip to Istanbul last month. It was too good to be true, a second chance albeit in a different role, making up for the lost opportunities in the past to congregate with brilliant minds and explore worlds which I've never even fantasized about.
Terrible plane ride, but it was wonderful on land!
Amazing water supply system thousands of years old
First in the list of touristy thing to do: Visit Sultanamet
This magnificent mosque was built to rival...
...this church just across the lawn
Intricate mosaic inside the Blue Mosque
The Hagia Sophia was once a church,
torn down in a religious revolt,
rebuilt,
taken over,
renovated into a mosque,
and finally diplomatically converted
into a museum as it is today.
Kutucat was here.
Sometimes my artistic skills amaze even myself *ahem*
The Grand Bazaar
Love the colors!
Turkish handcraft
To my delight! Colors colors everywhere!
Very exotic... genies not included
Spice Market
After-office-hour traffic
The Turkish Strait
View from the rooftop of a restaurant
Big hairy Turkish guard
Little hairy Turkish kittens
The Basilica Cistern
Medusa's Head - why upside down?Is a mystery.
A beautiful city. Worth a second visit!
A beautiful city. Worth a second visit!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Round is a Shape
Before I got a job, I went to the gym every other day, to boost up my serotonin level and keep in shape. At that time, my weight hovered between 50kg.
Then I started work. In and out of the office, mostly desk-bound with frequent breaks to the pantry for coffee perhaps the most rigorous exercise I can make claim is the hurried dash to the bathroom 50 feet odd from where I sat. Six a month later, I went up to 55kg.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been eating hotel buffets and countless cups of coffee with cream.
As of this moment, one second ago, the weighing machine told me that I am no 6o.5kg.
I can't help it...!!! During this afternoon's lunch for example I took a dessert plate which was half the size of the standard serving plate ok. Picked a few salad leaves and cherry potatoes. Ignored the mayo and went for vinegrette dressing instead. Added a dainty slice of roast chicken from the carving corner. So far so good. Then I saw fish. Well, fish is healthy too so okay I took two fillets. There were mushrooms today! My fav! 2 ladles enough.
In the end, my tiny dessert plate was piled high enough to impress even the greediest male colleague. Liddat enough ah? He teased.
The bad news was, I went back to the buffet spread to get desserts.
Sadness.... have to find way to control diet and get back in shape.
Then I started work. In and out of the office, mostly desk-bound with frequent breaks to the pantry for coffee perhaps the most rigorous exercise I can make claim is the hurried dash to the bathroom 50 feet odd from where I sat. Six a month later, I went up to 55kg.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been eating hotel buffets and countless cups of coffee with cream.
As of this moment, one second ago, the weighing machine told me that I am no 6o.5kg.
I can't help it...!!! During this afternoon's lunch for example I took a dessert plate which was half the size of the standard serving plate ok. Picked a few salad leaves and cherry potatoes. Ignored the mayo and went for vinegrette dressing instead. Added a dainty slice of roast chicken from the carving corner. So far so good. Then I saw fish. Well, fish is healthy too so okay I took two fillets. There were mushrooms today! My fav! 2 ladles enough.
In the end, my tiny dessert plate was piled high enough to impress even the greediest male colleague. Liddat enough ah? He teased.
The bad news was, I went back to the buffet spread to get desserts.
Sadness.... have to find way to control diet and get back in shape.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Was Not A Fan of MJ...
but regardless the plastic face, civil charges, marital debacle, sexual scandals and impending bankruptcy surrounding his life, I think he was indeed a very talented man. Creative artist, iconic performer, gifted even as a child. A modern protege who ascended in his music career to be hailed as the King of Pop. For that, I feel a tinge of sadness that the man who was a vessel for this creativity is no longer existent in this world. In a way, I am also relieved for him that his suffering has ended... by intention or otherwise.
Billie Jeans Best Ever Moonwalk
Billie Jeans Best Ever Moonwalk
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Time Management Problem
I seem to be stepping on plenty of toes this week.
Forgotten appointments, missed meetings.
Find myself apologizing again and again, which is not a fun thing to do.
I wish I had more time to do everything at once!
I need to get organized
or clone myself!
What was the word that Boss warned me about? Ah.
OVERCOMMITMENT.
Forgotten appointments, missed meetings.
Find myself apologizing again and again, which is not a fun thing to do.
I wish I had more time to do everything at once!
I need to get organized
or clone myself!
What was the word that Boss warned me about? Ah.
OVERCOMMITMENT.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Neglected Cat
Kutucat bit me.... :*(
Not the playful type of nibble usually followed by an affectionate lick, nor the careful gnawing of finger due to itchy gums but the real nasty I-hate-you spiteful chomp on the meaty part of my arm.
I had to discipline her (a smack and a loud NO) but I is heartached. Coz I know she is acting out not because she is malicious but because she is lonely at home. Cooped up in a big apartment with nobody around, I'd feel unhappy and throw a tantrum too.
So I made it up to her by tossing around rolled up paper balls. Her favourite game. Not nearly enough but I hope some, if not a lot of attention will cheer her up.
p/s: I think this is a good example of projection, ie assigning a feeling in oneself to another subject.
p/p/s Goodness I haven't written about psychology and psychiatry in a long time.
Not the playful type of nibble usually followed by an affectionate lick, nor the careful gnawing of finger due to itchy gums but the real nasty I-hate-you spiteful chomp on the meaty part of my arm.
I had to discipline her (a smack and a loud NO) but I is heartached. Coz I know she is acting out not because she is malicious but because she is lonely at home. Cooped up in a big apartment with nobody around, I'd feel unhappy and throw a tantrum too.
So I made it up to her by tossing around rolled up paper balls. Her favourite game. Not nearly enough but I hope some, if not a lot of attention will cheer her up.
p/s: I think this is a good example of projection, ie assigning a feeling in oneself to another subject.
p/p/s Goodness I haven't written about psychology and psychiatry in a long time.
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