Early awakening

This will not be some deep philosophical post, because I am literally wide awake at 5 o'clock in the morning.

The drugs are wearing off. I'm afraid one pill just doesn't do it anymore. Or, it could be the stress related from the looming deadline I have later today.

It's been playing on my mind, why my heart goes to whom it goes to. Is it because the relationship model embedded in my subconcious that is driving me to seek out unavailable men again and again? Coz the available ones, they just don't hold my interest. Not at all.

But they always fall for me and I feel it's too great a burden to have someone's heart entrusted to you, not when you know you can't reciprocate. And I feel terrible not being able to give them what they want deep in their hearts (and we're not talking about sex here).

This funny feeling I have inside towards the Young Man. It's not love but I certainly do feel a soul connection. What does that mean? Being the scholar that I am, I've researched everything from psychology (identification, projection etc) to new age beliefs (twin flames, soulmates and karma).

It's certainly been interesting, this journey of understanding myself.

I see I'm veering off into a philosophical dissection. Again, not going to write a thesis about the Meaning of Life, but its been interesting reflecting and learning why I react the way I do to external events and internal resolution. THAT sort of awakening, (the term is enlightenment, I hear) is still a yet to come.