Kutu Cat & Co.

Tears for you

2012-02-02T20:48:00.003+08:00

Rest in peace, sweet thing
I wish I had the chance to know you better
Treated you better, protected you more
Or gave you comfort when it was time to part
In that little time we spent together
Although my actions spoke otherwise
Please know that you were indeed
Loved and wanted
Is it too late to say I am sorry?
I miss you so much.

2012 Resolution

2012-01-28T15:46:00.000+08:00

It's not too late. These things come when you're struck by a muse and fired up with enthusiasm for the future.

As a single, financially-stable, strong-willed and independent woman, here is a list of things I WILL achieve this year:

1. Invest in a gold bar
2. Pay off housing debt
3. Take "I was here" photo at Jiu Zhai Gou lake, China
3. Get promoted to Senior writer in September
4. Start a commercial blog to generate second income
5. Take out a life insurance on The New Boy Friend (3rd phase retirement plan)

I can do it! ROAAARRR!!!

Wrong Advice

2012-01-19T08:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes people give you all sorts of advice, which will seem like a good idea at that time...

Life's Like That

2012-01-16T20:13:00.000+08:00

An Empty Vessel

2012-01-13T22:10:00.002+08:00

Faced with a life-changing decision
To hold or to let go
My mind is blank
I know not what I want
Standing at this crossroad
All too soon, unprepared
Open to mainstream opinions
But having none of my own.

I am not so grown up after all.

I could still do the right thing, but I am a coward too.

Forgive me God. I have failed you. Please have mercy on us all.

Platonic relationship?

2011-12-11T20:46:00.003+08:00

Can men and women be "just friends"?

Interestingly, most (if not all) women say yes without hesitantion, but men may have a hidden agenda. I have had quite a few best friends who are guys in my lifetime. They're my best mates and we get along fantastic. But there comes a point when my sensors start picking up signals and I have to start keeping them at arms length. Because... I know they're beginning to get into me and want something more. Being the intelligent person that I am, I do what every woman does to "preserve the friendship". I act dumb. ;p

Women want emotional connection, and are contented to string along poor hopeful guys to fill that need. The trick is to appear completely oblivious to their hints for romance and attempts of amorous advances. Case in point, see video above. Notice the the uniform answers given by men and women.

Yes, we females can be manipulative b*tches. In conclusion, men and women CAN be just friends, but it is more likely to be a one-sided friendship. Friendship between the opposite sex in its true innocent form is rare. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but it can only be sustained to a certain point.

Spoken too soon.

2011-12-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

Of COURSE I'd go and jinx myself like that.

I'm so livid, my hands are shaking even as I type this.

NEVER, EVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, GIRL.

Thank you God

2011-12-07T23:36:00.001+08:00

Thou art a great and mighty God.

I thank thee...

For family who loves me.

For friends who stand beside me.

For a career that I love and do well in.

For that special someone you've brought into my life.

For Life as it is now.

All is good.

Happy

2011-12-01T19:27:00.002+08:00

So far so good. :)

I remember a "homework" prescribed by the psychologist. What are the qualities that you look for in a partner?

I reflected and wrote down a list:
1. Loyalty
Stand by me through thick and thin, and I too will pledge my allegiance to you.

2. Conversation
Mental stimulation is important.

3. Acceptance
I am not perfect.

4. Financial independence
Don't need to be rich, just have the ability to take care of yourself.

Not a lot to ask for, right?

Well, that was fast...

2011-11-18T23:28:00.001+08:00

It seems that I have inadvertently acquired myself a new boyfriend.

Am not too comfortable with the whole situation yet. Still somewhat hesitant about the change of status. Should I run away (again) or give it a go?

He makes me laugh. We laugh a lot together.

But I'm still scared....

KL

2011-11-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

I always feel happy when I am home.

=)

Shopping in Singapore

2011-10-30T11:30:00.000+08:00

I FINALLY understand why women in Singapore are shopaholics.

Went window shopping with cousin yesterday and she introduced me to high-end retail therapy. I tried on a pair of SD560 shoes.... good heavens, it was SO comfortable. Soft, well-fitted, non-of those chafing pains associated with new shoes. And the colours.... so pretty.... so very very pretty.... sigh.

Temptation was great but escaped without damage to wallet. It would have been so easy to just take out my credit card and swipe away. However, every cent saved is going to my own home. Until I finish that payment, it's discipline discipline discipline!!!!

I hope those shoes will still be around in another year's time.

Early awakening

2011-10-21T05:29:00.002+08:00

This will not be some deep philosophical post, because I am literally wide awake at 5 o'clock in the morning.

The drugs are wearing off. I'm afraid one pill just doesn't do it anymore. Or, it could be the stress related from the looming deadline I have later today.

It's been playing on my mind, why my heart goes to whom it goes to. Is it because the relationship model embedded in my subconcious that is driving me to seek out unavailable men again and again? Coz the available ones, they just don't hold my interest. Not at all.

But they always fall for me and I feel it's too great a burden to have someone's heart entrusted to you, not when you know you can't reciprocate. And I feel terrible not being able to give them what they want deep in their hearts (and we're not talking about sex here).

This funny feeling I have inside towards the Young Man. It's not love but I certainly do feel a soul connection. What does that mean? Being the scholar that I am, I've researched everything from psychology (identification, projection etc) to new age beliefs (twin flames, soulmates and karma).

It's certainly been interesting, this journey of understanding myself.

I see I'm veering off into a philosophical dissection. Again, not going to write a thesis about the Meaning of Life, but its been interesting reflecting and learning why I react the way I do to external events and internal resolution. THAT sort of awakening, (the term is enlightenment, I hear) is still a yet to come.

Coincidentally...

2011-10-19T22:29:00.001+08:00

Here's an interesting version about the grieving process - feline style.

brb.

Going to take a nap.

It was YOU, not me

2011-10-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

Regarding hypnotherapy. "If this treatment doesn't work, that means there's something very wrong with you."

"Or something very wrong with me." She added as an afterthought.

That psychologist. She did more harm than good. Lucky my old shrink was able to undo her damage.

Her charges: SD300 x 2.

Repair charges: RM80 x 2.

Healthcare in Singapore is ridiculous.

A vengeful spirit

2011-10-06T17:21:00.001+08:00

So much anger inside but no outlet.

I feel like I wanna decimate him.

Destruction and devastation, they occupy my mind.

The last time I felt like that was during my divorce.

At the corner of my eye, I saw him shed a tear in court.

My face, impassive. My eyes, stone cold.

But inside, my heart was triumphant.

I would cut my off nose to spite my face.

Sting myself to death rather than forgive.

Seething. Rage is my strength.

Compliance

2011-09-30T22:54:00.004+08:00

Every night, the same routine

Break a blister

Pop into my mouth

Wash it down with a sip of water

Feel it travel down my esophagus

Sink into my gut

Dissolve into my body

Reach my brain

Do its work

There

Done

Repeat tomorrow

Stigma

Still there

I swallow that too.

I won't trade my mind for mediocrity

2011-09-28T21:15:00.024+08:00

Every once in a while, you feel like the universe is trying to teach you a lesson, and it will do so again and again until you get it.

Kids, today's alphabet is A, for Acceptance.

Of Self, specifically.

I thought I needed to be "fixed" because I was damaged in some way. I didn't like that part in me.
A divorce was a good reason to become unhinged. It eventually went away, just like it was expected to.
Then out of the blue, it was back. Only this time, there wasn't a good enough excuse to hide behind and blame.
I went into denial. Told myself NO! YOU WILL NOT GO THERE AGAIN! NOT after clawing your way out of that BLACK HOLE! Bloodied hands! Flesh torn to the bones! You made it out you CANNOT go back!

Anger and punishment followed. Stop it! Stop it! Each blow fell harder than the one before. Remorse came. Then shame. And finally, quiet insight.

I am who I am. I am unique. My brilliance and my darkness, they are one and the same.

Girl, you've been told a hundred thousand times by random strangers and close friends but you've never believed it. Now, I am telling you this myself:

You are amazing just the way you are
.... for you were wonderfully and fearfully made. His works are beautiful. I know that now.

Psalm 139:14.

Drunk Texting

2011-09-11T14:53:00.005+08:00

The thing with Xanax is, it lowers my inhibitions and I end up doing stupid things.

Like drunk texting a person.

Basically I proposed to kiss and make out, er I mean, make up. (Alright both).

In not one, but two messages.

Imagine my horror when I woke up the next day and checked my sent outbox. Long ramblings with lots of grammatical errors and typos. Am more mortified about the latter, honestly.

Time to delete his number from all my records. Am not going to apologize for it though. Let him ruminate about the possibilities. If he replies, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. Grammar aside, the contents were top-notch pick-up lines. I'm still a damn good writer.

Writing under the influence is not my first time, nor the second and I doubt it will be my last. In past experiences, the recipients would laugh about it and tell me not to worry when I followed-up up with contrite emails the next day. They were understanding. This fella seems to me too uptight to see the humor of it. So I won't even bother.

Why am I attracted to you?

2011-09-10T22:24:00.000+08:00

It's because, you remind me of me and I totally get you.

I felt that it's possible we could have a connection.

Unfortunately, things ended prematurely and it's my regret that I lost the chance to explore this.

And now, it shall remain a mystery. One of those things in life where you'll keep looking back and wonder... what if?

Slacking

2011-09-09T21:28:00.000+08:00

Too lethargic to go to the gym.

Been there only once this week and I cheated with that also (10 minutes in the steambath, then showered and went home).

She's back with him?

2011-09-05T00:53:00.003+08:00

Another one of those on again off again type of relationships, it seems to me.

My behaviour, very stalker-ish.

I should get on with my life and be happy, right?

I made up my mind on that, but my heart is rebellious.

Moving on.... this is gonna take some time. Please let it be quick and easy.

What else can I do?

2011-08-30T23:22:00.003+08:00

It feels like a life sentence.

Like there's no escaping it no matter how many doctors you see, how many self-help books you devour, or the amount of positive thinking you force on yourself.

I prayed. I begged. It was all for nought and finally, I just swallowed them in resignation.

After 2 years.

A relapse.

I hate this. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life?

I think she's broken up with him

2011-08-21T16:32:00.004+08:00

I knew it wouldn't last long.

They're too new and immature to take on this kind of nonsense.

For a couple to have that kind of strength, its called Foundation, and Foundation takes TIME to build.

pfffttt.... "she is special". My CAT is special.

Major gloat.

Not to be taken for granted

2011-08-16T21:29:00.008+08:00

It's nice to sit down for dinner with the family.

Just a simple meal of yong tau foo and fish, wrapping it up with durian for dessert.

Beats eating alone at some random hawker stall.

Had lunch with my secret crush. He brought me to eat minced pork soup noodle. Told me funny stories, listened to me and gave me sound advice. I am ecstatic that he spent quality time with me today.

The soup made my tummy warm. My heart too, metaphorically speaking.

On accumulating experiences in life:

"You can choose to see the negative or positive side of things. If you look for it, you will surely find something negative anywhere. So always look for the positive!"

It's been paraphrased, and my memory is a bit fuzzy (drunk on the amount of unexpected attention I was getting) but I still think it's a very wise perspective!

Won't say no to drugs

2011-08-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

Feeling better. Sleep helps.

Nicked some sedatives from my sister's stash.

I can feel the difference after a good night's rest. For the past few months, I have been having trouble falling asleep, waking up with painful dry mouth and a pounding heart, these most pronounced in the last few weeks. Today, I woke up feeling less tensed. Calmer. Mood is definitely better. Past events not as devastating as my mind led me to believe.

Sleep is precious. Sleep keeps us sane. I can't believe allowed myself to "persevere" like that for so long. That's no way to face the day.

Safe Haven

2011-08-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

Going home.

Where family and friends are.

Happier thinking about it.

Perfect Match

2011-08-11T19:56:00.002+08:00

Even their stars are aligned.

I can't win.

She's pretty and has high cheekbones.... just the type a guy would fall for

2011-08-11T18:52:00.002+08:00

I can't help the way I look. I think I have a pleasant enough face. An "approachable" face. So I'm dark, my nose is stubby and my hair is always kept short - not the type of beauty that the Asian society extols. I would say that I am generous, intelligent and have a good sense of humor. I am a good listener, and can hold my end of a conversation. I cook. I am adept at household chores. I am kind to animals. I have some artistic skills. Unfortunately, these are not values that a man would normally seek.

I don't think I'm ugly. I just don't really have a fighting chance with the male population. Whenever another girl comes into the picture, I'm put aside. I don't like being chosen over someone. NOBODY likes that, I would say.

Reject me because of my character flaws but don't reject me because I am lesser than the other girl.

"Are you seeing other girls?"

"No"

"The how come another girl is claiming to be dating you?

"Who?"

"Amy."

"Amy... is someone special. I think she and I may actually go somewhere together."

Ouch.

:(

Did a bit of digging

2011-08-11T00:13:00.004+08:00

omg she's an airhead.

LOL.

Not going to last.

I win. Damn proud of myself.

Conducted myself satisfactorily.

I bowed out, but damn was I classy.

After the Shock

2011-08-09T21:37:00.002+08:00

It's all sinking in. The tears. The utter confusion.

Odd. I didn't feel betrayed when it was rumored that the Ex might be carrying on with someone else overseas.

Odd. That I would feel affected by this person whom I've only known a few months.

Odd. That I still feel compelled to reach out to him.

Stupid. But odd nonetheless.

Cad

2011-08-09T18:06:00.000+08:00

Shocked, I felt my body literally go numb. It was as if I had jumped out of my skin and floated into nothingness.

He was seeing someone else. After kissing and hugging me, a few days later another girl tweeted how wonderful her date with him was.

Looking back, I now realized that when he said he needed to work late, he was actually with her. When he said he had been busy, he had things to do, he was broke etc was it the truth, or was it an excuse to blow me off?

True we were not an item. But I thought we were in the process of heading that direction. Slowly but surely.

True he has a right to see other people too. But why lie to me when I asked him directly?

I am feeling very weirded out (is this a normal response?). And such a waste. Such a big waste.

"We should stop being in contact," he said. It was a slap, throwing the friendship I offered back at my face. It stung. But underlying that hurt was a hint of relief that the mystery was no more, and the decision had been taken out of my hand.

My take home lesson at the end of it all is that men are capable of lying. Cliched, I know. I just never thought this kind of thing would happen to me.

Resetting bones

2011-08-05T00:07:00.004+08:00

The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. A bone fractured in half, unites itself given enough time.

Similarly, a broken heart will heal itself too... given enough time.

The process of physical healing is an arduous process involving 1001 intricate particles, weaving in and out of biochemical pathways, signaling each other, orchestrating molecular reactions and micro-reconstructions. In the meantime, pain paralyzes us, keeps us immobile so that precious energy and resources are channeled towards this all-important task of restoring form and function to the damaged site.

Like broken bones that are improperly set, healing may be suboptimal. The consequence? A lifelong disability from a misaligned appendage. Distorted. Disfigured. A constant reminder of what could have been perfect, but no longer is. Is this any different from a torn psyche that did not properly heal? One is never the same again when bitter experiences and life-changing events cumulatively leave their marks on a once-pristine heart.

To undo a wrong, drastic measures need to be taken. To reset a crooked bone, one must break it yet again and manipulate it into its rightful place by force. The price - a revisit of intense pain. A necessary evil if you want to run again. Leap again. Climb mountains and conquer peaks again.

I'm going to try. This time, with the help of a psychologist who does not believe in drug therapy. I've had a ton of homework to do and it's been emotionally exhausting. The experience, somewhat disturbing to relive.

I am doing this because I want to be ready... "fixed"... when I do meet the right guy and find love once more.

Basic Existence

2011-07-24T01:00:00.005+08:00

I don't know what God has in store for me.

Maybe people only get a chance for one great love in a lifetime.

And I've used up that chance.

I do feel that life is passing me by.

Milestones missed, and many more seemingly unattainable.

Meals eaten alone.

Watching young couples hold hands.

Trudging home to a quiet room.

Just me and the four walls.

A silent phone with no calls, no messages.

Mindlessly surfing the internet.

Finding ways to occupy the mind.

Trying not to be sad.

Turning off the lights and retiring to bed at the end of yet another solitary day.

Friday night

2011-07-22T20:24:00.001+08:00

It's Friday night and I am home with nothing to do.

Ate an orange, t'was juicy and most delicious.

Checked if there were new movies or tv episodes to watch. Tarak.

Opened up Blogger, and ran out of things to say after the sentence above.

So bored. And it's only 8.24pm.

Sleep?

MLM rubbish

2011-07-18T23:02:00.001+08:00

Multi-level marketing (MLM) is a load of BS.

More often than not, they peddle health supplements and herbal preparations that claim miracle cures to chronic illnesses.

If drugs that have been put through years of research and multiple clinical trials don't even dare make that claim, how can anecdotal cures be regarded as a truth and be marketed as such? Regulations that govern pharmaceutical products (and I mean REAL pharmaceutical products) should include this sector of therapies too, since we're dealing with human safety also.

Ticking off the product is one thing. Don't even get me started on the PEOPLE that are into MLM and do it full time. They honestly believe that they are doing good, helping the sick, curing illness etc etc when in the same breath the words "millionaire", "financial freedom", "business success" spew from their mouths to motivate their down-line to sell! sell! sell!

It's a pyramid scam, that's what it is. Yes the top-tier hustlers do get super-rich, but basically I have no respect for this form of "occupation".

Recurrent Neediness

2011-07-16T12:22:00.004+08:00

Being the direct person that I am, I asked him point-blank why he was ignoring me.

He said he had been busy, and that the slight wasn't intentional. I half believe him.

I don't really know what to make of this, but one thing is for sure - I react violently when people don't reply my messages. This one, and many ones before him. Does the problem lie with me, or with these men? Females don't make me tick like that...

I've taken to praying again. Praying for inner peace. Praying for patience. Praying for a good day ahead. I find that this 2-minute act keeps me sane for the rest of the day. Mum would be pleased to know that I've started reading the Bible too. On really difficult mornings, when I'm feeling really needy, random passages give me comfort.

Feeling like the fool I am

2011-07-09T21:30:00.005+08:00

My phone gave a little beep.

"Are you attracted to me?" asked the young man.

I thought for a while, and texted yes in reply.

"Wow. That's a lot for me to take in."

(What does that mean, anyways?)

I thought everything was fine. Then...

*poof*

He disappeared. Silence. Not another word from him.

It seems I've scared him away.

Way to go, girl. So much for honest communication. We just don't know how to play hard to get, do we?

I've never had the patience for mind games. Gee. This dating thing is tough job.

Now for me to proceed with the task of getting over the disappointment and putting him out of my mind.

And what am I gonna do about it?

2011-07-05T00:43:00.000+08:00

Nothing.

Cos I'm a scaredy cat.

Intrigued

2011-07-01T00:11:00.001+08:00

I've found someone

Who's

As tall as me

As tough outside

As sensitive inside

As proud and self-absorbed

As self-assured and unsure at the same time

Lugging around baggage just as heavy

Wanting connection but shying away in fright

Yearning acceptance but being the hardest on himself

Searching high and low but not knowing for who or what

Still evolving

Needing space to grow

A familiar old soul

Moment of truth

2011-06-25T23:59:00.003+08:00

"Your problem is, you don't know what you want!", said he.

No... I don't.

But I do know what I don't want... is that enough?

I guess it's up to me to try everything and decide by way of elimination.

In the meantime, girl... use your head... don't do anything rash.

I dislike men

2011-06-14T23:53:00.002+08:00

I am feeling disappointed with my male friends. Recently, I am starting to realize that you don't have to be too kind to these people. They don't function socially like women and take you for granted more often than not.

It is rumored that men have feelings too. I can confirm.... it's a rumor. They claim they have feelings but it's just indigestion.

When they need something from you, they appeal to your nurturing side but discard you carelessly when they've gotten what they want. I should have just left them out to die. Never ever make their problem yours.

Deeply saddened

2011-05-30T22:00:00.000+08:00

The only guy I really do care about doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I wish it wasn't so.

I can relate

2011-05-28T18:54:00.004+08:00

From Grey's Anatomy:

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it, shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This... it can go on forever."

Well, you can't literally die from a broken heart, that's for sure. As exaggerated as Grey put it, there is some truth to that kind of fear - the fear of allowing hurt into your life. Yes, you can survive that kind of pain, but why put yourself through the ordeal? Being alone is safe but lonely. Loneliness is less painful.

Bleak

2011-05-18T00:57:00.000+08:00

Young love is blind. How else would you want to bind yourself to another person who is flawed, and has the potential to hurt you? It's when one is in this phase of stupidity that people get hitched, only to realise in horror that marriage is not what they thought it would be.

I often marvel at how I stayed with the same person for so many years, despite it being a rocky courtship. It was try and try again, never give up because "love conquers all!". By today's standards, I would have dumped any guy like that in a heartbeat (which, it seems, to be most guys I've met so far). What if I can't fall in love again? Not like how it was 10 years ago?

Is it okay to be alone? I do fine on my own, except I am sick in my heart with the notion that being alone forever might be a very real possibility.

Tedious

2011-05-08T16:39:00.000+08:00

Sien.

Going on another date.

Have to prepare, blow my hair, put on make-up, iron my clothes.

House-sitting

2011-04-23T21:04:00.002+08:00

I'm staying in this big fancy house with marble floors and dim lighting. Manicured lawn in the front and back. Outdoor furniture with big bbq grill. Spacious bedrooms upstairs, decorated Balinese style. I'm sitting on a Persian rug, typing on my laptop on this massive wooden coffee table.

So this is how the expats in Singapore live. If SD4000 can only get you an apartment, I wager renting a property this size should be SD5000-7000. How nice to have your employers pay for your lodging.

But, 2 days into living here, it's just as lonely as my tiny room back where I pay SD700 for. The only difference is I don't have to share a bathroom here and I can walk around naked if I want to. It's very quiet.... the silence is almost stifling. It's still the internet that I amuse myself with regardless the environment. There's only only one word to describe this place I'm currently at. Empty.

No kidding when they say money isn't everything but I can see how the argument can be made that if you have to moan about the meaningless-ness of life, at least do it in comfort.

iwannagohome!

2011-04-18T19:36:00.003+08:00

That is exactly my sentiment come weekends. Mondays to Fridays I am alright because work keeps me occupied. I'm likely an emotional mess on Saturday and Sunday. It's probably boredom, and I have plenty of time to ruminate about all my problems under the sun - real and imagined. Fun fun fun.

Like that also can do business

2011-04-17T21:56:00.003+08:00

Seen along the road somewhere in Bangsar. A collection of rocks strewn along the pavement. I wonder if the they come with a certificate of authenticity? Does the boss-man haul his precious displays back into the shop at the end of the day or does he leave them outside? Won't they get stolen? If they were expensive, would you steal it?

This is a strange sight indeed. Definitely not your average home depo.

Unrest

2011-04-16T19:16:00.002+08:00

I don't know if it's the kopi-kao I drank today, but the jitters feel like old demons from the past waging war inside me again.

Lot's of insecurities I need to grapple with. Trying so hard to live life good but feeling doomed anyways. Why is it so difficult? You'd think that as you add years to your age, you'd get better at handling what life throws at you. But no. It's always hard.

Life Here

2011-04-07T02:11:00.002+08:00

I'm happy, but sad.

Contented, but still searching.

How contradictory can one be?

Not 33 yet!

2011-04-02T22:40:00.003+08:00

I thought I was going on 33 this birthday and fell into a depressed mood. It crossed my mind that life was passing me by too fast, and that I had missed my chance to find love and omg I'm hitting forty soon.

And then I found out that I remembered wrongly and will only be 32 this year.

No wonder I was in a bad mood! It takes a year to get used to a number and my brain had skipped from 31 straight to 33.

This year, we just had a simple celebration this year with dinner and cake. Am feeling fat, frumpy and unattractive. Perhaps it's time to put more effort into self-maintenance, since the effects of ageing are beginning to show.

Haircare, facial, probably a gym membership. $$$$$.

Date was boring

2011-03-31T00:12:00.000+08:00

Bland. Intelligent, but not much of a personality, that one.

Yawn.

Socialising in the New Age

2011-03-18T23:11:00.001+08:00

It's Saturday tomorrow. Am contemplating how to spend my time.

Get some work done, perhaps. Go back to the office if I wake up early.

Have a "date" on Sunday... we're going to the museum. I figured rather than sit around having to talk over a cup of coffee, why not a less formal activity. Don't need to layan so much if we don't click.

People are telling me not to meet guys via the internet. But really, this is the age of online social networking. I don't have friends to introduce me to friends so this is the second best way to meet new people. You look at somebody's profile, if someone catches your fancy you say hi and take it from there. If the "conversation" flows then you meet up. It's better than a blind date (not so blind after all with information already at hand), plus you save yourself the awkwardness if the initial contact sucks. You cover a lot of people over a short period of time, so that's efficient.

So I wonder, what do people mean when they advice me, "just be friends first"? If the attraction is not there, it's not there! My friends will remain as friends. It's not like after 2-3 years of platonic relationship one day you will wake up having romantic feelings for that person. I would think that an Intention has to be in place first before you want to expend your time and energy with that person.

Ah. But what do I know. I'm still single.

Got Milk. 2 Jugs.

2011-03-16T23:51:00.001+08:00

If it boils down to choosing a girl with big brains and a girl with big tits, of course Miss Voluptuous will win.

Bitter bitter bitter.

Most days, I'm starting to think that I will never ever find another person to be with. It's fine but when loneliness hits it hollows out my insides, like digging out flesh with a giant metal spoon. I'm trying to get used to the idea and accept it as my fate. I want a husband I can rely on. I want babies. I want a home to call my own. Yeah we can want so many things but we don't always get what we want, eh?

Taking a big gulp. Swallowing the bitter pill of Hard Truth. Tomorrow's another day. Plodding along. Just because.

Horrible Week

2011-02-25T20:25:00.007+08:00

A BLOODY HELL of a week, I'd say.

Lot's of stress at work. Lost my cool twice. Hid in the bathroom and cried once. I can laugh about it now, but sometimes, I truly deeply hate how people get to me.

If anything good came out of the whole experience, it would be a drop in weight (2kg since Chinese New Year) and a steely determination NOT to work more than 10 years of my entire life. I seriously abhor dealing with humans just so I can get paid, and the idea of doing it for another 25-30 years....that's a big chunk of my time on earth!

I have a plan forming in my head now. I think it's do-able, if I am disciplined enough! There won't be room for relationships and babies. Survival comes first. Love will have to wait till I settle this part of life.

Second Attempt - Fail

2011-02-21T19:15:00.001+08:00

Damn.. he's persistent.

Showed up at my place bearing food boxes, one with steamed broccoli and carrots, grilled fish and plain rice "just the way you like it". It was still warm....

When a guy cooks for you, packs it up and takes a 40-minute bus ride just so he can deliver it to you in time for dinner at 6.30pm, what would you do?

Second Attempt

2011-02-21T00:04:00.004+08:00

Wasn't pleasant. Down right heartbreaking.

Lots of tears from both sides.

He kept asking what he did wrong.

Nothing... it's all me. :(

I finally found someone special but it turns out I don't want to be in a relationship.

I obviously still lot's of stuff to work out. If he found someone else and marries her I would be very sad. In the meantime, I think it's best to stay away from him. It's painful to hang on and break up again and again. And as long as I am with him, in my current emotional limbo, I seem to be mistreating him. And I feel so guilty for that.

He deserves better and I know what I did was right.

It will hurt for a while but in the long run, he'll be okay.

Bragging rights

2011-02-13T12:21:00.002+08:00

This year, I have three.... yes, THREE guys asking me to hang out on Valentine's Day weekend.

Being the noblest me, I politely declined all of them (fairness and equality for all and besides, want to date me so easy meh?).

I've already made plans with someone else. But damn it's good to get your ego stroked this way.

A Simple Life

2011-02-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
(Well, actually I never did as ask those kind of questions)

But I like the song. So.

At 32, I know I am kinda pretty (no need to be bashful about this) but I also know that I am on my way out from the "sweet young thing" category. As for wealth, I do okay... not super rich that I can retire tomorrow, but not so poor that I have to deprive myself like I did during my freelancing days.

And yet, I miss those days where it was just the cat and I. Me slaving away at the computer making deadlines while the cat kept a watchful eye on me.

Frills were minimal but my days were sufficient. Sure I had lots to worry about, but I had lots of freedom.

I want to work in an environment where I don't have to take orders from anyone or swallow my impatience and respond cordially. I suddenly have the urge to live on a farm... sufficiently away from civilization but enough to have basic amenities like water and electricity. It will be just me, my pets and internet connection. I will eat my chickens and harvest my own tomatoes. When I feel like getting in touch with humankind, I will make a trip to the city, meet some random individuals who irritate me, remember why I dislike humankind and happily go back to my little farmhouse.

One can fantasize.

What is Love?

2011-02-06T11:15:00.001+08:00

Lately, I've been mulling over the meaning of love.

I tend to think that love has to be a feeling, from where the attitude and behaviour of loving someone stems from. It should be as natural as breathing air, since the muscles to expand your lungs are already there, right? So if you don't have feelings for a person, there's no point in forcing it. If it's not there, it's not there. End of story.

If only it was as simple as that. I googled an article on this. Apparently, love is a choice. Just as feelings affect actions, actions affect love.

Love comes from caring, ie being concerned with the other person's well-being and growth.

A person who loves you responds to your needs.

Love is respecting the person for his uniqueness and wanting his individuality to unfold and grow.

For all these to happen, one must have knowledge, which comes from knowing the person.

All these, in the absence of the dizzying high of love chemicals in your brain.

Is this true? That giving will produce love. I've given and given before, and it didn't work. It is my recurrent regret til this day and it makes me hesitate to embark on this experience again. I love men for their masculine characteristics, revel in the attention and interest they shower me with. But to LOVE them without the intoxicating effects of infatuation sounds like a lot of hard work to me. I don't even know if I have it in me anymore, or even if I want to. And this saddens me. Why? Because as much misery a relationship can bring, I also know that it can be wonderful.

Logistics

2011-02-03T10:53:00.010+08:00

Well, I'm back in KL again. This time for Chinese New Year celebrations. It's a difficult journey, coming back. Granted it takes only 40 minutes by flight but I am wondering if it would be more wiser to take the coach next time. It will be a 5-hour journey but it'll cut down the waiting time, and multiple transfers once it crosses the immigration checkpoint.

Flight route
Home - train 1 - train 2 - airport - shuttle - flight - bus - car- home

Bus route
Home - bus - coach - car- home

Yeah... gotta check out this alternative. I mean, I enjoy duty free shopping, but the whole thing is getting tedious. Could be cheaper also.

Break-up attempt

2011-01-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

I say "attempt"... because I failed.

I feel so horrible for him because I've obviously hurt him. He really is such a nice guy... Don't know what's wrong with me. He treats me like a princess, isn't that every girl wants? I am perplexed... because my feelings are all jumbled up and I don't know what to do. Usually, it's clear cut to me. I do what my instincts tell me to, but all is quiet on the front.

Another one bites the dust

2011-01-16T16:31:00.000+08:00

Today, I am going to have The Talk with this fella. I have not idea what I am going to say, except that I would rather not see him anymore.

It feels bad.

He has lots of good qualities, but plenty of bad ones too.

I don't want to be the person who nags him to change, and keep hoping that he does. If change occurs, good for me (but would he be happy?). If there is no change, I would definitely be unhappy.

This is not a good fit. I feel sad because I did like him somewhat.

Short-lived

2011-01-01T14:56:00.002+08:00

With a sinking feeling, I realize that he's not the one for me.

We're both at different stages of life, working towards different goals and having different priorities in life.

He tells me that it doesn't matter where we're going with this, so long as one thing is for sure - so long as we're happy when we're together.

How long much time do you think we have before the bubble bursts?

Want to, but can't

2011-01-01T00:39:00.002+08:00

Okay I acknowledge it. I am not an intimate person.

Someone used the word "secretive" to describe me... and this got me thinking. He's probably right. I don't open up so easily in real life. There are things that I do not reveal about myself on a personal level, even though I am capable of baring my soul here without qualms. I wonder why that is? Sharing is bonding. And bonding is attachment and attachment is intimacy. I can't see you, my readers. For all I know, there aren't even any. Perhaps this one-sided affair frees me from tangible emotional connection to another human being.

My greated fear is that if and when I do open up to another person, I would want to keep running to him to share all parts big and small in my life. Dependency is scary. What if one day, he's removed himself from that position and I find myself standing all alone again? The memory of pain, still rather fresh in my mind.

Work Only

2010-12-02T18:56:00.000+08:00

When they said life in Singapore would be mundane, they weren't kidding.

It's really really monotonous here. Life is centred on work. Get up to go to work. Come back from work. Sleep. Repeat x 5. Saturday try to forget about work. Sunday remember what needs to be done at work. Monday start cycle again.

The good thing is, pay day comes really fast like that.

The bad thing is, I've got nothing juicy nor scandalous to report here.

Baggage

2010-11-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

I don't think I am capable of having a normal relationship. I am good at starting one, I just don't have the ability to sustain it.

Commitment phobic?

Holding back because I am afraid of hurting the other person. Holding back because I am afraid of the emotions I associate with being close with someone. Holding back also because I think, if they got to know me better they won't want to hang around either.

Three dates, is all they last. I dazzle them and then I retreat. Better to end on a high note.

Dating Headache

2010-11-13T13:09:00.001+08:00

I was reading about the dating scene in Singapore, and also articles about the do's and don'ts when meeting Singaporean men/women. IMHO, the dating etiquette in this country has been dissected in so many ways that it's become a case of over-analysis.

Don't tell your date where you're going until you meet up.
Don't talk about heavy stuff.
Don't come across as being over-interested.
Do be helpful but not too helpful.
Do be expressive but don't let on too much.

And a host of other "rules". It's too complicated! Whatever happened to "just be yourself" and "go with the flow"?????

Microsoft Office 2010: Invalid product key

2010-11-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling really pleased right now, coz I just solved a techie problem all by my little self!

Firstly, you need to understand that computers and I, we don't get along very well. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. The simplest installation is likely to kick up some errors, much to my chagrin. Usually, I'll just run to my sister and let her handle it (she's the computer whiz in the family). This time, away from home and faced with a do-or-die situation, I was forced to visit trouble-shooting forums and READ instructions. So I suppose I learned a new skill today... and I want to share it!

If you've purchased Microsoft Office Home and Student 2010 retail box with the label: FOR DISTRIBUTION AND USE ONLY IN Bangladesh, Bhutan, Brunei, Cambodia, Laos, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Nepal, Timor-Leste, Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines and can't activate your software, it can be due to a number of reasons.

1. You typed in your Product key wrongly. Do it again!
2. You have other trial Windows Offices in your drive. Delete!
3. You are living in countries outside the above region.

In which case, forget online activation and call the Activation Center instead. To do that, open any Microsoft Office document (Word, Powerpoint, Excel) and choose Activate via Phone in the pop-up box, choose your country to retrieve the call center's number and you will be prompted by an automated voice machine to read out a series of codes on your screen (yes it has voice recognition, how cool is that?). In return, the female voice will grant you a long set of codes which you can enter as you go. Click next and the business end of purchasing an Authentic, Original and Non-pirated software is finally complete. Very convenient!

5 o'clock shadow

2010-11-08T21:17:00.000+08:00

Refers to beard stubble appearing late in the evening in a man who had shaved earlier that day.

Is damn sexy~

Has that scruffy look that is just so adorable. Can use the rough surface to exfoliate your cheeks too. You know, to remove dead skin cells.

I *heart*!

Oh to be invulnerable

2010-10-30T16:36:00.001+08:00

I believe, it is better to live in a cocoon rather than be exposed to the harshness of the environment.

People make me feel ill at ease. You won't know if a smile is genuine, until it's too late and by then you're left feeling wretched because you took a chance in believing - maybe, it'll be different this time.

If I could, I wish to be unfeeling, have a heart made of stone. Filled with apathy, unfazed by the going-ons of everything around you. Immune to love, hate, anger, disappointment. Happiness and sadness will not be in my vocabulary. A nondescript existence. Neither knowing nor missing the "richness" life has to offer. It is much over-rated.

Pollution

2010-10-22T21:37:00.002+08:00

Why must people burn incense? After waving the joss-stick in front of your face for like, a whole of 10 seconds you leave it to smolder... making us non-smokers suffer your superstitious practices. What with the haze already hanging over the city, you're just doing bad adding to the pollution. I believe that cancels out your prayer.

No means NO

2010-10-21T20:13:00.001+08:00

Those people collecting money for cancer patients by the road side are damn irritating. Poor marketing skills, poor PR skills - basically just asking to be scolded.

For 4 consecutive days they have approached me even when I have given them a firm no.

Today was the last straw, especially when one of them intentionally chased me to the left and right. When I said no, his rebuttal was I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING, THIS IS FOR HELPING CANCER PATIENTS. So what? Want to get money by using the guilt-trip? It's so blardy common nowadays - My own family is ridden with cancer genes, some have died from it, you think I f-ing care about other people?

And what is so bad about selling goods? I would buy something from you if I knew the proceeds were going for a cause. Where did they get this people from? And who trained them? I think this is their standard line, because each one of them gave me that same crap. EVERY fcuking one of them.

If anyone of them chase me down like that again, I will give them a piece of my mind. I have given money plenty of times, but unless you change your approach, demeanor and opening line I won't entertain you. What is the correct approach? ASK, politely. Hello miss, can I have a minute of your time? Not shove your bloody picture of a sick kid in my face. READ my body language. If I change the direction of my path I am clearly trying to avoid you, so do not make a beeline for me! It will only reinforce my bias-ness. If I say no, then be gracious and back off. Some more want to give me lip - Well! I hope it rains tomorrow so you buggers get soaked to the skin, fall sick and take the rest of next week off. In fact, I hope you get pneumonia and die.

Messing Around on OKCupid

2010-10-16T23:07:00.006+08:00

So I joined this online dating site, it has pretty interesting questionnaires that gauge your stand on dating, love, philosophy, politics, ethics etc and run it through some algorithm that matches you with people who are (closely) similar to your answers. It's a tame site, not many perverts prowling around though I've noticed that the pool of males can be divided into 2 distinct groups.

1. The angmohs who generally have more personality and are fun to flirt with. However, given the sarong party girl phenomenon here I doubt they are looking for anything more than a casual fling. I bet they don't have trouble getting girls. These are generally older guys who are the perpetual bachelors.

2. The local Singaporean men are more conservative. Age demography seem to be concentrated in the late 20s to early 30s group. The usual introduction is polite, civil and almost boring. What's missing is a natural light-hearted banter, but I guess that's how Asians roll. They're pretty young though (in terms of experience, I feel like an old woman - divorced etc etc), and their perspective on love and relationships are black and white, rigid even, as opposed to the older white guys whose mantra is hell, anything goes.

So, that's what I have been up to within the safe confines of my room. Out of the blistering sun. Avoiding a tan. Hopeful in stumbling across a rare gem of a guy where the chemistry will be great and personal values are compatible with each other.

Wish me luck!

Uninspiring Shopping Trip

2010-10-10T18:54:00.002+08:00

Been doing without for the past one year and living with the bare minimum that I've gotten so good at it. So so good to the extend that I've forgotten how to spend money.

It's odd walking into shops with the intention to splurge, only to find that few things catch your eyes and there is nothing you want!

I could get an iPhone. But I don't fancy that.

I could get the DSRL I've always wanted. But the urge is no longer there.

I could buy new clothes. But I don't like the current fashion.

So I ended up stuffing my face with food.

No More MC

2010-10-07T20:11:00.001+08:00

My platelets shot up to 225x10000/uL and the doctor said I could go back to work.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so chirpy.

I couldn't help but smile knowing it was the very last time I have to make the trip to the clinic to get my blood drawn for tests. I have lost more blood to the laboratory than to the mosquito. And the WAITING. My goodness. There's at least 50 patients in front of me each time.

Still, another day of medical leave would have been wonderful. Had grand fantasies of hopping onto the bus and enjoying the long weekend in KL. But now I gotta go back to work tomorrow.

Dengue Fever

2010-10-04T19:13:00.004+08:00

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

It's not just a sorethroat. It's effing dengue! Rashes came out after the fever subsided. Hauled ass to the polyclinic and got a few tests done (Hemoglobin, white blood cells, hematocrit and platelets). Needless to say my poor white cells are sorely depleted. Platelet count is still within the normal range but seems to be on a down-going trend. Which means, another round of blood-test is in order (my poor veins). I feel fine otherwise. No overt bleeding but damn my throat is killing me. More to report tomorrow.

I do not recall being bitten by any mosquito, but apparently I am very sweet :) Or the mozzies were sweet on me.

p/s Beautiful picture of me covered in spots. While more accurately described as peticheal rash (pin-point bruising), a more confluent pattern would be called Islets of White in a Sea of Red. Doesn't it sound poetic?

Pharyngitis

2010-10-01T17:58:00.001+08:00

I gazed into the mirror
And found these staring back at me
Fever, chills and pain of disproportionate suffering
Caused by two little dots petite and 'cute
Much aggrieved I am

Bak Chor Mee

2010-09-30T11:14:00.001+08:00

Something not found in Kuala Lumpur.

An odd tangy dish of minced pork, pork liver, wantan and noodle mixed in vinegar and chilli sauce. It's rather novel. An acquired taste, I'd say (first time I see people putting vinegar into their mee)

On the otherhad, the accompanying bowl of broth is rich and tasty. I give it two thumbs up! I'm told bak chor mee comes in a soupy version which I think would make a rather hearty breakfast on a cold rainy morning.

Does Not Agree With Me

2010-09-29T19:13:00.007+08:00

According to textbooks on psychology, it takes approximately 6 months to adjust to a new environment.

Nearing my one-month anniversary (got no other anniversaries to celebrate), I can only report that I have been ill since my first week in Singapore. Initially, there was this bad bout of flu - the durian-in-the-throat and hacking-my-lungs-out variety, so to speak. Don't know how many tablets of paracetamol and over-the-counter flu medicine I have ingested so far. Finally got better with a course of antibiotics. After a few days of respite, I am down with fever again. It makes daily living damn miserable.

From this, I can surmise that:
1. Either the germs in Singapore are very geng chao (virulent), or
2. My immune system is so weak

I blame it on the MRT. There is serious over-crowding and if a person coughs - of course it's right in your face. How come other people don't get it? Well, think herd immunity and obviously I have not integrated myself fully as part of the "herd".

Thank goodness lung cancer is not infectious.

p/s Just came to know that there has been dengue cases around the area. Shite... I need to get medical insurance before something serious happens. GP consults and meds have been free so far (no charge for fellow doctor ... *touched*) and I am once again starting another course of antibiotics. Bright side is I got MC so no work tomorrow!

I hate it here

2010-09-24T22:14:00.001+08:00

Just heard that mum has been admitted to the hospital for appendicitis.

Although the treatment should be a common and straight-forward surgical procedure, I wished I was back home...

Nothing much I could have done over there, but at least I can keep an eye on things.

:(

Singapore Public Transport

2010-09-21T21:25:00.005+08:00

It was difficult at first. All was well for the first two days. At day 3, I was ready to go back to KL.

I think the biggest hurdle was mastering the public transport system, mentally and physically. A lot of walking is involved and as efficient as the Singapore transport system is lauded to be, you still can't avoid the mad crowd during peak hours. Commuters jammed like sardines, standing-room only.... the situation is almost similar to that seen in KL. Getting on at the first station in that line does not guarantee you a seat. You may not even get to step into the train at some stations. It's a good thing the MRTs are frequent so you can try again 4 minutes later. I think the influx of foreign talents into the country is putting a terrible strain on its public transport system (and housing, but that's another story for another time).

My usual route to work is to take a bus, walk, take an MRT and walk again before arriving at the office. Wasn't used to it at first. Missed driving like hell. It's a real luxury to own a vehicle that carries you from doorstep to doorstep. Tried taking the cab a few times but it really isn't worth the fare. A one way trip was equivalent to 2 weeks' money for public transport). Didn't like travelling on foot. Didn't like standing 25 minutes on the train. Didn't like fighting inertia every time the train started and stopped. Now, I've learned to covet special corners of the train and zone out until I arrive at my destination. Some people read, some people amuse themselves with their iPhones. Me I spend my time with a blank mind.

Same Story

2010-09-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

You can't leave the past behind no matter where you move to cos it's part of you - your history, your memory, the inprint that makes you what you are today.

You can't run away from problems.... A change of environment lulls you into a sense of renewal. Distance disminishes the strength of the ripple. But just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. It just takes time to reach you, takes time for you to feel the impact.

It's easy for me to follow the tide and go wherever fate sweeps me. I keep wondering, if I had a significant other waiting for me at home, would I have been so quick to pack up and leave? And yet, the Ex did it without so much as a backward glance. Going throught the motions and emotions of moving to a new city in a new country I cannot but feel hurt that he chose to do that again and again. Over me.

Short One

2010-09-09T22:01:00.004+08:00

At the risk of sounding really ulu, I never did realise how lovely three-ply toilet paper is until now!

So pretty... got embossing somemore.

And soft... so so soft... sigh....

Easy on the 'rrhoids too.

Come to think of it, why did we grow up using cheapo toilet paper? Were we poor? o.O

Seen some color-printed ones from my visit to Australia a few years back. Those would be nice to have too.

I Miss Bambi

2010-09-05T22:07:00.004+08:00

House is quiet... too quiet...

I mean, I am used to living alone but the cat is usually around. Did not realize until now that she actually makes a lot of little kitty noises.

1. Snuffling - loud breathing like she has snot up her nose
2. Licking - and I mean loud slurping sounds from her vigorous self-grooming. Or when drinking from her water bowl.
3. Scratching - rhythmic jig when itching under the collar
4. Pok-pok-pok - the sound of her exercising her claws on the rattan puff
5. Plop - when she rolls over during her naps
6. Mek - the welcoming chirp she gives when I come back after a day out
7. Crunch - cat eating her kibbles
8. Bang/crash - she knocked down something
9. Scramble - when she dashes around the house
10. Purr - when the both of us are chillin'

Girl, mummy got to leave you behind to earn money. See you again soon okay? Just don't die before I come home....

Cold Feet

2010-09-01T02:20:00.002+08:00

Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all...

Love Scam

2010-08-29T14:04:00.009+08:00

I believe I have stumbled upon a love scammer. Or rather, he stumbled upon me.

It started with a brief introduction of himself via Facebook. Harmless enough, or so I thought and we started corresponding. I meet new people all the time this way... I believe it is a good tool for networking and some have turn out to be the best of my friends.

So this fella was cordial enough, only two emails later things started to get odd and the thought that perhaps this was the Ex impersonating as another person to get to me crossed my mind (after all he had done this once before).

This is an excerpt of his email, atrocious grammar and all:

well I am very Excited to read from you. I want to tell you that this relationship dose not mater about your race, culture or religion. I hope with time we have to understand each other, Now to tell you more about me:I am 43years old ,my occupation i work ask a building and there are with my ex-wife after we divorced 2years back.

I was just thinking this morning and I decided to go on my computer to email you, in fact I really thought about lot of things concerning us and our previous conversation, before writing this email I really had a lot of things in my heart to tell you but it was quit unfortunate that when I got on my computer to write to you, I got lost of words and really don't know what to write or how to put my heart intention in write, but I will just try my best. (Note: Googled this paragraph and found an exact same one on a scammer alert site. Gotta admit that this is pretty good stuff though).

I wish you can understand how I really feel right inside me, sometimes I use to think about the best way to let you know how I really feel about some one, do you really know how it feels when something is right?, that is how I really feel about you, I feel that we are right and perfect for each other. I really hope that I could have the chance to make a way into your heart so as to let you know that I really care about you and to prove my love.

Love is a great gift and we cannot control it when it is real, I understand that it might seems to early to tell you all this but I have to let you know them, I really care about you and I am falling in love with you and this is true. I will like you to tell me more about your self,I hope you don,t mind i think this a way of knowing you better.

when we meet and get to know much about each other beter even i am 43 years old but i am very flexible even as i see, you are much younger Than me ..but i hope that i know what am look for... for me making friend is good because the friendship can help us to grow more and get to know much about each other beter. i really love to hear from you as soon as u receive my mail...Thank for ur attention and God bless.

I have decided to play along until he tells me some sob story and starts asking for money. So far, the details of his background do not make sense - his job, the place he lives in and the refusal to add me on Facebook. There are ways to verify the profile through photos, friends and activity updates and I have a strong suspicion that this is a fake profile.

Right now I am pissed and disgusted at this lowlife for preying on women's emotions and insulting our intelligence with poor script. Am plotting on how to deal with him. Perhaps I should ask him for money before he does. "Please transfer USD 15,000 into my bank account for my bone marrow transplant. The doctor said I need to have this surgery urgently to survive." If he loves me, he'll do it.

And if he really does send me money, I'll marry him.

The Klang Valley

2010-08-27T23:46:00.003+08:00

I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, or more precisely Petaling Jaya 12 years ago. Fresh-faced and a small-town girl at heart, I was dazzled by what the city had to offer - namely the countless shopping malls filled with glittering stores. From where I came from, there was only ONE supermarket called Ngiu Kee (a household name in Sarawak) and NO cinema.

A trip to the mall is still magical to me to this day. I love the megasales. I love the cineplexes. I love the food and the department stores with their endless aisles of merchandise. Midvalley, The Curve and Sunway Pyramid are my favourite haunts. Because of riots during Anwar Ibrahim's time, I rarely ventured into KL city until recently. I still have no idea where Damansara is and Bangsar is too crowded so yeah... despite living here for more than a decade, there are still places which I haven't fully explored yet. Familiar joints change faces every now and then so that keeps me occupied enough. It's a city that keeps growing and evolving, almost like its alive!

Apprehension

2010-08-24T22:01:00.004+08:00

Suddenly feeling apprehensive about moving away to a new place. New work, new environment, new people. Strange unfamiliar things beyond my comfort zone.

Gonna miss my family, my friends, my apartment, my lifestyle and the furry face of kutucat.

They say that I am a strong woman. Brave, even.

High praise indeed! In truth, I am scared more often than not.... about big things and little things, things which are real and some that are imaginary. Things that just give me a tiny twinge of unease, things that are huge enough to set me into a panicky state. Mostly of these things aren't within my control. My coping mechanism? I just wear a stony face (but wring my hands in secret) until the moment passes.

But thanks for the compliment. Faking confidence is becoming my forte.

The Last Remnants

2010-08-21T21:59:00.005+08:00

Packing up my stuff, sorting through files and papers in my cupboard I came across an old tin box - the type that was used to put mooncakes in and was too pretty to throw away. In it was a bundle of love letters from the early years of courtship with the ex-husband, some dating as far back as 1999. We were first-year students in uni at that time.

As I read through each of them, I expected to be hit by a wave of sadness and nostalgia but apart from the twinge of apprehension, there was nothingness. No wait... that's not accurate. It was not emptiness I felt, but that of neutrality and calmness. Like for once, the past did not bare its teeth and take a snipe at my heart. It was... painless.

These letters reminded me of young love, when things were so much simpler and the immediate concern was whether your partner was happy. A recurring theme was a pledge to continue the journey together rather than let go. After graduation, career, ambition, family, religion, money etc got in the way and from there our paths diverged. I feel sorry it happened that way. I wonder, if we knew that one day the marriage wouldn't have worked anyways, would we still have persisted in seeing each other?

More than 10 years later, reading his letters as if with fresh eyes, I understood what he was trying to say at that time: he really did love me.

The World is not Fair

2010-08-20T13:29:00.011+08:00

Just because you scored straight A's it does not mean you deserve a scholarship.

Just because you got a job done it does not mean payment is due.

Just because you have worked long and hard it does not mean you will get promoted.

Just because you married your prince it does not guarantee a happy life together.

Just because you invested love in someone it does not mean your love will be reciprocated.

Just because you showed kindness to a person it does not mean you are exempted from being backstabbed.

Just because you eat healthy and live healthy it does not mean you will not be struck down by illness.

Based on Newton's Law of Action and Reaction and the new-age karmic hype of the Law of Attraction (the book is a piece of crap, in my opinion), it would seem that these theories are flawed. What you put in does not necessarily mean a just form of return, good or bad. Why is this so?

Perhaps we have been taught erroneously that good begets good and evil begets evil? Perhaps this naive expectation is the root of our disappointment and disillusionment on our fellow mankind? There is no logical explanation except that this world that we live in and the people we come in contact with do not follow any rule of Order.

How do you face an Unfair World? Is this suppose to be the way of life? If so, it's gonna be tough out there...

Canon Printer

2010-08-14T17:41:00.008+08:00

Received 2 jolts of electricity fiddling with my Canon printer.

I use a Canon Pixma MP 145 and it's a good little printer. That is, until you try to save money. They reel you in by offering cheapo bubble jets and then make you pay through the nose for ink cartridges.

Originals only, okay! You've been warned that if you use refills you're gonna spoil the printer. And it's rigged in such a way that if you choose to walk down that path, the printer WILL KNOW and go on strike. There are forums on the internet teaching one how to con the sensors and reset the program but I think it's too late for mine because it has crossed over to Printer Heaven. It's not even flashing error indicators anymore....

As it is, I can no longer print documents despite having full ink levels. Forget that it's a 4-in-1 printer. I can't use the other functions as well, like scanning a document onto my computer - it has nothing to do with ink cartridges and logically should be able to work but oh. Canon's begrudging that way. Like some jealous girlfriend witholding all benefits if you go astray.

Worry Wart

2010-08-14T00:15:00.005+08:00

The helplessness of waiting.
Hoping that someone will come through for you as promised.
Got no choice but to TRY to have faith despite that sinking feeling in your heart.
Hate having no control of the outcome, being at the mercy of somebody else.
I try to tell myself not to worry, that everything will work out by itself.
Easy to say and hard to follow.
Attempting to pray and learn to trust in God, if not in man.

The Emotional Contagion Theory

2010-08-11T21:04:00.007+08:00

It's official then. Moods are infectious.

Hang out with happy people and you feel cheery. Spend too much time with miserable companions and they pull you down too.

There is this person I know whom I've come to dread interacting with. After each contact, it takes me a couple of days to recover from stress of the repetitive drama generated (out of trivial stuff, usually).

Living at the fringes of this person's life is exhausting. It's like looking after an overgrown child - needy, whinny and badly lacking of a backbone. I resent that this "friendship" is uni-directional. I feel difficult to maintain boundaries and really don't want this person in my life anymore. All I can think is "I need escape". Imgaine my horror when this person pledged undying loyalty to follow me to the ends of the earth... "so that we can be together".

Look, I don't mind lending a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on when you're feeling blue but to do it persistently and without thematic variation is getting too much. It's like feeding a vampire and I'm drying up!

sbread @ The Gardens Midvalley

2010-08-10T13:11:00.010+08:00

It isn't so often that I am impressed with Penang food but this one bowl of assam laksa really made me go Wow. A simple non-pretentious cafe which specializes in toasted bread and some local cuisine like fried rice and char bee hoon, its true star is perhaps the Penang Assam Laksa, prepared in front of the shop instead of the kitchen behind closed counters.

Located opposite Eu Yan Sang the Chinese herb shop on the lower ground floor

Penang Assam Laksa at RM7.50 a bowl.
The owner/cook was not one to skimp on ingredients.

Unlike most shops this bowl of laksa was filled to the top with a generous
helping of noodles to soak up the thick broth and sate your hunger.
Plus point: Found a big chunk of mackerel along with the
usual pineapple cubes and prawn paste.

The uniqueness of this dish is derived from the blend of various unfamiliar condiments which gave every spoonful a delightful fragrance and that extra little tickle to the senses. Delicious and intriguing! Needless to say we cleaned our bowls to the very last drop. I hope to check out their toasts some day, especially the bamboo charcoal bread with yam spread. Sounds interesting.

31 and still "developing"

2010-08-09T22:18:00.007+08:00

Well whaddaya know.... apparently I am not done with puberty yet and the body is still in the process of undergoing er... changes.

Went shopping for new bras today. The auntie standing guard at the underwear section eye-balled me and commented I should go up one cup size. Was doubtful but complied. And you know what, she was right! (Auntie you are so geng just look at my chest then you know already)

Everybody, I have an announcement to make!

I have graduated from size B to C! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! *so proud*

Am royally tickled. Damn... it's taken me 20 odd years to upgrade from A to B to C.

Another 10 years to reach the ultimate size D perhaps?

Contributing to the brain drain

2010-08-07T22:14:00.003+08:00

Come September, I will be moving to a new Land, leaving behind the familiar for a fresh start in life. Already I feel heavy-hearted leaving certain things and persons (and Kutucat) behind. Yet the move is the best option I have thus far - one needs to earn a living and career-wise there seems to be more opportunities for personal growth outside this country.

In the past couple of months, I've come to realize that I need to start building a nest-egg. Watching my savings dwindle when business slowed down was an unsettling experience. Hopefully, with a higher currency exchange from this new job I can make up for lost time, regain some sort of financial security and sleep better at night.

I do wish that things were better here so I can remain in my comfort zone. Ask not what my country can do for me, they say... but sorry! I gotta think me and my kin's welfare first before aspiring to noble thoughts such as that. Just like when one brain cell dies, others will take its place in function. I am sure there will be others to "serve the country" in my stead. This neuron has needs to explore the world and seek her fortune out there.

It has nothing to do with patriotism. It all boils down to self-preservation.

A Quiet Infatuation

2010-08-06T23:34:00.011+08:00

He is six foot tall and very handsome... at least, in my eyes he is. He has a booming voice and he's very strong. A man who exudes confidence... bold but not in a confrontational way. He listens... he's very good at it because when he speaks, it is succinct and to the point of what was said. A rare attribute indeed. I feel like I've stumbled upon a gem among rubble.

Being with him makes me happy. It is an unhurried feeling of warmth and fondness, not unlike a slow burning piece of coal that sits comfortably inside my chest. Something in me turns at his gaze, a whiff of his scent or the rumbling of his voice. An hour with him makes the rest of the day beautiful. When he laughs, I am happy that he is happy too. Nevertheless, these sentiments shall never be spoken of.

Because.

What makes this work is the mutual understanding that we are our own person, not to be tied down nor engulfed by expectations or obligations. It is a relationship of free choice and mutual respect - one that my shrink agreed that it is perhaps the healthiest one I've ever had. I think the world of him. Through my little girl's eyes and rose-tinted glasses, and from where I stand beneath the hulking pedestal, he's wonderful, even perfect in all the places that matter to me.

That's my side of the story anyway. Perhaps he knows how I feel, or perhaps not. Perhaps it's reciprocal and perhaps it is not. No matter! Hush... It's a secret crush - one that I will gleefully hide in the cup of my hands and revel in it while it lasts. In the meanwhile, I'll stop gushing about him now.

Santini @ Tropicana City Mall

2010-07-31T14:34:00.059+08:00

Had lunch with a friend the other day at this nice Italian restaurant. They were having this set lunch special at RM14.90 which included a choice of soup or salad, one main and soft drinks.

A cosy restaurant tucked away in a corner on the ground floor

Mafia black and white stripes floor tiling.
Note the beer barrel dining table on the left - I thought that was more of a German thing?

This bar I liked! Very psychedelic, no?

Pillar with vinyls - a reminiscence of the American 50s?
There seems to be some identity crisis going on here

but you know what, the entire interior jived and it sorta grows on you.

Complimentary bread and chips.

The highlight of the meal: Sea bass - very nicely prepared fillet in a garden of
crunchy fresh greens and a side of mashed potato.
I just wished the portion was bigger! I want MOAR!!!